5 years — Hard pill to swallow

It’s nearing your 5th death anniversary, Dad.

I do not wish to describe what had happened 5 years ago because I do not think that I am actually facing it bravely. If I were to describe it, I may cry until my eyes turn puffy the next day.

I will cry whenever I see photos of my dad.

I will cry whenever I listen to songs that are related to “Family” or “Dad”.

I will cry whenever I am thinking of my dad.

I will cry whenever I think of the day I received his death news.

Death is something which we will have to face it someday. Be it the death of a loved one or the reality of ourselves dying. Often, some of us like to think that death does not concern us. But to be honest, “Death” is something that is difficult to accept. We tend to hide it instead of facing it.

I used to avoid topics about death because it’s never a nice topic to discuss about. I avoided until someone we loved passed away and we have to face the music. Like us that day.

What left the deepest impression on me was that I can be here for one moment and not be here the next day. Humans can die unexpectedly. I would like to believe that my loved ones will be around and growing old together. However, rationally, we all know that there’s no such thing as “Forever”.

5 years later, I still feel it was painful to walk past places I used to visit with my dad, knowing he was no longer around. I always thought that I was a strong person, being able to deal with things well. But I missed him everyday and still crying secretly at night.

I admit that I am still stuck in a complicated grief. But I do hope that with my current life, with the current family members (blood related and non blood related) around me, I will be able to work through it and be able to face it bravely.

And I will never forget 15th of August 2015.